The little girl gazed out of the car window at the orphanage becoming smaller. And then the evening sky caught her eye.
It was lit with streaks of gold dust. It sparkled as the shimmering strips of light seemed to fall on the dark earth below.
Her new mom’s gaze followed.
“The Gods are celebrating our new love, our new family and your new life,” she whispered gently.
The little girl’s apprehension disappeared, after all the Gods were celebrating, that can mean only good.
She smiled for the first time.
Her mom smiled back.
The meteor shower had laid the foundation of happiness.
I listen to the tick-tock of time,
And see it pass, as I lie on my bed,
Dreams, peace, all elude me,
Sleep I cannot, lost in time it is.
The constant screeching of silence,
Makes me close my ears.
I try to escape from the pain,
Words and speech I want to hear.
Solitude, oh my friend,
Go, go away, I need you no more.
Your proximity now hurts,
It sears and pokes my soul.
Bleeding I am, as loneliness haunts,
Warmth is what I need,
And some laughter, some love.
Solitude, go, go away.
In the midst of chaos and cacophony, when all seems calm, when zen sets in and all that remains is the distant humming ringing in ears, know that I have set in.
When you see that one person and you feel the gush of joy and ecstasy and pain- a perfect blend- know I am the one causing it.
And as you despair and ache and want, and pray for the first time in life, I smile.
For that longing is what I am all about.
I am in awe of myself.
People say I am a state of mind, I say I am everything this world is all about.
I give you what you lack, I give you hope and happiness, I show you the way.
They call me love. I call myself life.
A love that overwhelms,
A love that breathes life,
one that inspires,
is the kind I crave.
In darkness, in light,
a love that stays,
survives and shelters,
one that encompasses,
is what I wish for.
In a world so fragile,
a love that cannot break,
is the kind I crave,
is what I seek.
An impossible dream,
a hopeless hope,
so says the cynical world,
to search for such a love,
A love so pure and perfect.
But Hope is that rainbow,
that forms in spite of clouds,
so I seek with a desire strong,
a love that belongs,
A love thats lifelong.
The taxi crawls, the croaking radio blasts an 80’s song . The driver is whinging about the rotten traffic. Bikes and rickshaws snake past. Chaos all around.
I am home.
I sit and listen to the muted noise of hawkers and horns. I am back, after a decade, to a town which has remained the same. I am the one who has aged, who has been burdened by experiences and life.
This town is still the same.
Comfortable in its chaos. Young in its naivety.
The taxi clumsily moves ahead and I move back in time. To Wintry evenings, pillion-riding on my dad’s scooter to the sweet shop to buy samosas. To sweaty summer nights of tracing constellations with fingers on the rooftop, when load shedding threw the town into a darkness dotted with a glow of only stars. To the fragrant springs when the daffodils in my mother’s garden danced a glorious dance, giving me a complex.
And to that autumn when I packed a bag full of clothes and a heart full of big dreams and set off. To discover the world. To live the life I was missing.
Now, a decade later, I am back. The bank accounts are loaded, the bag of clothes still full, the heart empty.
As the taxi enters a narrow lane and I glimpse that rickety chair in the verandah, and the swing creaking on its own, my heart fills. And as the taxi rolls into the driveway, I see them.
There they are, holding hands, grey haired, warm smiles. Their tears glistening in the afternoon sun.
I had been a fool. I had not been missing anything when I had left ten years back. It had all been there in this place. Everything I had needed.
But now, I am back.
This spring, the daffodils are the ones who will get a complex.
When the clouds take over the sun and the world descends into a darkness, gloomy and dark, I sneak through the cracks of your heart.
You squirm and sweat, toss and turn but cannot sleep. For I poke deep in your heart, stirring emotions that you had thought you buried for good.
I am gentle at first, desiring not to overcome you. But then, as the floodgates of love open, I hit you with all my being. And I force you to look back. Back to those days when you loved and lived. When she belonged to you.
You cannot sleep, you cry with pain and loss. All because of me. But I am because you made me. You let her go, you had different priorities.
You fool! You had thought you would find better.
I haunt you because you created me.
I am the memory of her.
The one you lost.